I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
