Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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