The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
