my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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