her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
