i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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