Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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