My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
