What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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