its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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