Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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