k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I intend to get homeless drunk
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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