Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
