Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
