I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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