Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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