His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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