That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
