Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
