I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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