worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
