Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
