watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
