Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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