Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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