honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
