I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
