Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
