Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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