just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
