me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
