I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
