That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
