Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
