The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
