she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Randomize
