ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
