You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
