shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
