I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
