Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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