He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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