I'm so fucking centered right now
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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