i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
