Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My penis needs a shock collar
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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