Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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