A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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