I wish my penis had an off switch
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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