No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
