I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
