please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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