We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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