I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
