saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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