Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
he thought i was a dude.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
